How to Race Like a Chucklehead
I had a lot of fun at Team Group Health's Independence Valley Road Race this weekend and also showed why riders like me don't win bike races. Here are some tips that can make you into a strong perma-four, just like me:
- Train a lot. Be one of the stronger riders in the field so that you're able to hang out near the front of the group where other riders will notice all of your stupid tactics.
- Don't contest the bunch sprint. Ever. They are dangerous and a crash could take time away from your training. Besides, who wants to win anyways? Winning is for losers.
- Launch a plethora of hopeless attacks over the last five miles. Make sure that even if you're somehow near the front at the 1k to go sign and have forgotten Rule #2 that you won't have the legs make anything happen.
- Taunt others. If somebody is boxing you in on a climb, call them a fat fattie who needs to get a granny gear to carry his fatness over the hill. If somebody doesn't pull through with riders off the front in the final run-up, question their manhood. Call them a coward. Ask if their mom races bikes... or their little sister. It probably won't affect the outcome of the race but at least you'll make some friends.
- Corner like a scared little girl. This one didn't get me at Indy Valley (probably b/c I actually practiced cornering this week -- oops) but it is a good one to keep in your hip pocket, especially with crit season just around the corner.
If you have your own favorite tips for losing races and having a good time while doing so, feel free to leave them in the comments below.